31 Dec 2003 - 6:33pm - 32 Weeks!

While a good night's sleep is definitely a thing of the past, and I am achy and sore more often than not (indeed, so often, that I forget what it's like to not be), still I am enjoying my pregnancy more and more. Every time the baby moves (even when it's a painful kick), I am overwhelmed by the sheer joy and humbled by the knowledge that inside me is our child, growing and awaiting the day s/he comes into the world.

Already our little one is preparing: at our last doctor's appointment, she told me that our little angel was facing down now, in position to come into the world. Soon, so soon, that blessed day will arrive... I am at once overly eager, if not truly wanting to give up quite yet carrying my child. It's an odd feeling, to be at once so desirious to have our baby here that I am like a kid before Christmas, and yet somewhat reluctant for that day to come.

It is difficult to explain, really. It is far easier to explain the discomforts of pregnancy, and for people to have some semblance of an idea of what I speak, even if they have not themselves been pregnant. After all, everyone has had the stomach flu, and so can imagine what morning sickness is life. Everyone has had, at some point or another, pulled a muscle, and so can envision what I am constantly feeling in my lower abdomen. Many have strained backs in their time, and so can sympathize with my back pain.

And while everyone can, I have no doubt, imagine what it's like to carry a child, unless you've actually done it, you'll never really know what it's like. It cannot be captured in words. It is a feeling and emotion and sensation and knowing so pure, it defies description.

Which is why I can quite honestly say that I am enjoying my pregnancy, despite all its aches and pains, and why I will be a little sad to see this era in my life end.

Nothing - nothing - can ever compare to this feeling. I know my child already. We've been in communication with one another all this time... I know, in some ways, his or her temperment, and there is... there is a bond between us already. We know each other, in a very intimate way. And while I do not doubt our bond will remain once our baby is born, it will be a different bond than the one we have now.

I look forward to my baby's birth, not just because I want to hold our child, or see the look on John's face when he sees our child for the very first time and his own bond is forged. I want to put a face to the child I have come to know so intimately - to be able to go "Oh, there you are... that's what you look like" to the precious one I know through emotion and movement.

Ah, to wait for the birth is both a blessing and a constant test of my patience. And, yet, here we are, at 32 weeks, with only 8 more to go... 5 till I am considered in term. I have no doubt that the time will pass quicker than I can know.

So farewell, 2003. And welcome, 2004... the year of our baby's birth.